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All caregivers who experience elevated levels of stress are at an increased risk for physical and emotional issues.
April 11, 2010
"Will you still need me,
will you still feed me,
when I'm sixty-four."
The Beatles, "When I'm 64"
Times have certainly changed since Lennon and McCartney penned and sang those words in 1967. Medical and healthcare strides are allowing people to live well into their 70's and 80's. Despite those health advances, the fact remains that caring for a spouse in need, regardless of their age, is very demanding, stressful and could threaten your own health.
The Journal of American Medical Association reports that if you are a spousal caregiver between the ages of 66 and 96, and are experiencing ongoing mental or emotional strain as a result of your caregiving duties, there's a 63% increased risk of dying over those people in the same age group who are not caring for a spouse.
As a caregiving spouse, you may begin to feel very isolated from friends and feel tremendous guilt about your own unmet needs. There can also be a sense of loss, especially if your spouse suffers from dementia or Alzheimer's disease.
So how do you know if caregiving is becoming too risky for you? Examine this list and see how many apply to you:
- Missing or delaying your own doctor appointments
- Ignoring your own health problems or symptoms
- Not eating a healthy diet for lack of time
- Overusing tobacco and alcohol when you feel stressed
- Giving up exercise habits for lack of time
- Losing sleep
- Losing connections with friends for lack of time to socialize
- Bottling up feelings of anger and frustration and then being surprised by angry, even violent, outbursts directed at your spouse, other family members, co-workers - even strangers
- Feeling sad, down, depressed or hopeless
- Loss of energy
- Lacking interest in things that used to give you (and your spouse) pleasure
- Feeling resentful toward your spouse
- Blaming your spouse for the situation
- Feeling that people ask more of you than they should
- Feeling like caregiving has affected family relationships in a negative way
- Feeling annoyed by other family members who don't help out or who criticize your care
All caregivers who experience elevated levels of stress are at an increased risk for physical and emotional issues.
Even if you are only experiencing two or three of these items, it is important to get help and support.
The truth is your spouse/partner will be in better hands if you are healthy.
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April 12, 2011 at 4:59 pm | Posted by olive
I am 72 years old. My husband is 70 years old..He has parkinsons disease, diabetes, kidney disease and heart problems. He is no longer able to walk, He is barely able to feed himself, He is inconinent and legally blind. He cannot be left alone ever, I am his sole caregiver. I find that I am living my life in the short periods of time between his needs. My friends have dfifted away. I think they are uncomfortable with me and my problems and I am no longer able to participate in social activities with them. I am always very lonely and sometimes very depressed.
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March 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm | Posted by JJS
My husband is 50 yo 100% disabled vet with a laundry list of issues. The worst is depression. Even with all the physical stuff, it is the depression that is doing me in. His therapy through the VA is so-so. I feel stuck but I love him so here I am, Watching my life slip away as I become nurse ans caregiver... Anything but his lover and wife. And that makes me very, very sad.
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February 19, 2012 at 8:38 pm | Posted by Lori
My situation is very similar to yours. Great will be your reward in heaven. You are in my prayers.
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February 10, 2011 at 11:07 pm | Posted by Paula
God Bless You for your strength of character and deep devotion to your family! i was touched by your story.
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January 23, 2011 at 5:22 pm | Posted by Kelly
My husband has MS (diagnosed 11 years ago) and has been clinically depressed for a year. It has taken alot of trial and error with medication to help him start to come out of the pit of despair. But this week I can really see some improvements. Physical disability is so demoralizing for us all, but I think especially for men. I would encourage any caregiver who suspects their spouse is depressed to talk to the doctor about starting an anti-depressant med. Also have blood tests to check for low iron, and B and D vitamin levels.
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January 9, 2011 at 12:18 am | Posted by Eric
First a comment about this site. As with other sites like it, it needs to include more information relevant to Early Onset AD. Now, for my story. My wife and I met at age 16 and 15 and it was truly love at first sight. We lived the fairy tale, until 2002. It was then that the suspicions about my wife's memory and personality changes could no longer be written off as normal aging. So, in 2003 at age 54, my beloved was diagnosed with EOAD. Yes, it is stressful, extremely depressing and mentally and physically exhausting. I quit my job in 2006, when she could no longer stay alone. I am fortunate to be able to contract back to my previous employer (computer engineer) and keep in touch with work, although from home. I have been repeatedly told by family and friends to get out and go more, for myself. But, even when I leave for a few hours of shopping, I can't wait to get back! My wife and I have had, since the day we met, what some feminist called a "co-dependent" relationship. Well, that's exactly the relationship described in the Bible as the marriage between a man and a woman. I don't mean to bring religion into this, but a well founded faith, goes a long way in surviving the struggle and grief of the 10-15 year ordeal of mourning the loss of a loved one. I would never consider doing anything, other than what I have done. Caring for my other half, no matter what. I understand that it will shorten my live by an average of seven years. So be it. I tell my doctors to just keep me healthy enough, to see me through to the end, when my beloved will finally be at peace with her God. Then, I too, will be ready for that journey. Now, as for children caring for parents, it's a different story. You should care for you parent(s) as you can, but do not feel that you must do it all! Your family and your life are what you must guard and take care of. Do not be afraid to ask your PCP for help with the stress and depression. There are wonderful medicines that can help you through the roughest times. Lastly, and maybe most importantly, when you are told by AD professionals and some doctors that there is no treatment for the agitated and the violent periods that all AD victims go through, DO NOT BELIEVE THEM!!! A psychiatrist at The Lady of The Lake Regional Medical Center in Baton Rouge, La., proved that there is help and IT DOES WORK! I tell you this from personal experience and can attest to the almost miraculous improvement his treatments made in my wife and the relief it provided it me. Sincerely, Eric
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January 7, 2011 at 1:14 pm | Posted by Diane
My husband is 69 years old and has recently undergone open heart surgery. At first he seemed to be thankful and happy, but lately he is depressed. I know that depression is a part of this recovery, but it is taking its toll on me. No matter what I do or say he has no interest in doing anything and is concerned about his health with no reason to be. Ofcouse he will not admitt being depressed. Any suggestions.
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December 28, 2010 at 12:26 pm | Posted by Eli
I am 34 years old and have been caring for my wife since I was 28. My wife had a stroke and is in a wheelchair and requires 24 hour care. I am at a point where I don't think I can manage anymore. I have completely lost my identity. I feel physically sick everyday and I can sure use some help..Does anyone have any suggestions?
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December 21, 2010 at 11:30 am | Posted by ann
I too sent my husband to a " memory care" unit last year and am still feeling bad every time he asks me when he can come home. It's so constant that I can on ly visit once a week and then for short periods because the same questions repeat and repeat and no matter what the answer, I can't bring him home. I lived and worked with him for 10 years before I finally made the choice and who know how long I will have to live with "when can I come home?" Ann
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December 15, 2010 at 5:12 pm | Posted by Bev Swanson
Caregiving of a spouse is indeed stressful. The longer the need, the greater the stress. My husband began his downward spiral at age 60. At first it seemed only aging symptoms, then maybe Parkinson's but after 10 years of surgeries, exercise, meds and therapy, he was totally dependent upon my care. I was able to do it all joyfully until the last six months of his life when I required a stent in an artery and could no longer lift him (190 pounds with no muscle) and he was taken to nursing home. I sat with him daily to ensure that he received proper care and respect. He didn't and I moved him to another facility. At the same time, my mother needed fulltime assistance and I moved her to the same nursing home where I could keep up with how they were being treated. My husband has been gone 17 months now, mother is now living in an excellent adult care home where I can conveniently visit her in her room or in the dininig room. I would do this all over again given the opportunity.
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December 14, 2010 at 9:46 pm | Posted by Faye
My husband is in a nursing home now and I feel so guilty.I have a very hard time doing anything feeling that it's not fare for me to go do when he can't. I've tried to over come this feeling but nothing works.How and when can I get on with what I like to do with out feeling this way? Thanks sure am glad I found this site. Faye
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September 9, 2010 at 10:43 pm | Posted by Virginia Anderson
Going somewhere in the car, for a day and night or a week or month. You still have to put the same amount of stuff in the car if you need it or not. The moment you don't take something that is the time that you need it. It's not the driving, it's the getting out of the gate and down the street. Once your on the road it is just fine. It's stopping for the night in the motel or at a family members home. You have to take everything out of the car and then put it back. It is better not to go or you go and get a caregiver for as long as you can afford it.
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