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Providing Care and Support for a Spouse

Care for spouse
In the end, it is important that as a caregiver, you maintain your own health, because if you aren't well, you will be less able to help your spouse.

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April 11, 2010

"…I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life…" Elizabeth Barrett Browning, How do I love thee?

The care of a spouse surely has its rewards. One advantage is that the partner who is need of care or assistance is already comfortable with the caregiver. You know each other's idiosyncrasies, habits and preferences. You also know each other intimately so it eases any embarrassment when dealing with private needs. You also know the home environment and what areas might be in question when it comes to safety issues.

On the down side, however, the caregiving spouse may feel odd about asking others for much needed help, fearing their loved one will be embarrassed or uncomfortable if anyone else provides care or knows that they need this care.

Spousal caregivers often feel so much stress since they also live with the person they are caring for, which doesn't provide for any breaks physically or emotionally. "It is important that the spouse continue to do some of the activities she or he likes, whether it is singing in the church choir or going to the monthly book club meeting, so that he or she continues to socialize outside of the home and give themselves a breather," advises Richard Schulz, Ph.D., caregiver stress expert at the University of Pittsburgh.

"It is important that, as a caregiver of a spouse, you don't assume you can handle everything," said Dr. Schulz. "In a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, we found that spousal caregivers who experienced mental or emotional strain were more likely to die sooner than non-caregivers. Sometimes even the most resourceful person needs to ask for help from other family members or outside professionals - the hard part is knowing when to ask."

In order to help you understand when the stress might be getting to be too much for you, we've created a list of signs that spousal caregiving may be becoming too risky for you.

In the end, it is important that as a caregiver, you maintain your own health, because if you aren't well, you will be less able to help your spouse.

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Thoughts and stories from others
  1. March 2, 2014 at 11:57 pm | Posted by Theresa

    My husband & I have been married for 26 years & have 5 children. A year and a half ago he suffered a massive stroke at the age of 48. He now is unable to speak or move his body other Han blinking his eyes & giving "thumbs up" or "down". I am his full time caregiver in addition to tryi g to keep our family together & moving forward. The fatigue can be overwhelming and the responsibilities are never ending. Trying to keep the peace with his siblings leaves me feeling hurt that I now have a new roll in the family; almost like I'm an enemy. Some days I want to crawl into the closet & hide from all of it! Maybe venting to complete strangers will help!

    Reply

  2. February 13, 2014 at 6:45 pm | Posted by Linda Brandon

    My husband & I have been married 47 years . I praise God for him as he is the love of my life. He has had Alzheimers for almost 9 years. The stress is wearing me down as I have very little help. I have recently tried to get help a couple of days a week. Thought it was working out and then he decided he didn't want any one in his house. Our children are upset also and we are at a loss as to what to do to get him to let others in to help. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply

  3. January 21, 2014 at 12:06 am | Posted by Troy

    My wife and I have been married for 13 years, together for 17. During the summer of 2012, we were separated and were working on a divorce. In October 2012, she was hit head on by a habitual drunk driver. She was in a coma for 6 weeks. Now a year and few months later she is still wheelchair bound. It is stressful not for me to take care of her, but because her 79 year old father is her guardian. He is the type of man who one cannot talk too, because he makes assumptions, jumps to conclusions, and is extremely negative. Also, I have no income as I cannot work because I take care of my wife 24/7. I am fearful that due to my father-in-law's lack of understanding, if I go back to work, he will put her in a nursing home. This in turn will destroy my wife's spirit. I'd like to hear from someone who has experienced such a situation as I am in.

    Reply

  4. November 10, 2013 at 7:08 pm | Posted by claire t

    I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. He has number of things wrong with him. All we do is go to dr. Appointments and to hospitals. He has just been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. He sleeps 22 hours a day. I have tried to contimue on with life but, once I came home and he was unconcious on the floor. I went to spend a few days with my sister who is going blind and a half hour after I called to tell him I was coming home, he called me back to tell me he was calling 911 for himself. Drove for four hours in tears. And two weeks ago, I went out with friends and when I came home he told me he didn't want to live any more. I drove him immediately to the local mental health facility. So how do I go out for more than shopping, knowing I will come home to some emergency?

    Reply

  5. May 6, 2013 at 11:19 pm | Posted by angieMay

    I am no longer myself, my life changed July 10th 2004, I am stressed with all this pressure, and I haven't a soul to share it with !

    Reply

    • February 13, 2014 at 6:59 pm | Posted by Linda

      This is the first time I have been on this site. I can empathize with you as I am where you were. I started a support group just so I would have someone to talk to that understands. It helps, but life is hard. If it wasn't for God I could'nt do this.

      Reply

  6. November 29, 2012 at 8:59 pm | Posted by sonona grams

    my husband was just diagnosed with sever arthides from the waist down and its only saposed to get worse hes only 58! and this is some good info but it doesn't tell me where to start or how to begin applying to become a spoudly care give is there any one who can help me start please

    Reply

  7. November 29, 2012 at 8:47 pm | Posted by sonona grams

    i love all the information this give but it desn't tell me how to start or apply to become a spouse care giver my husband was just diagnosed with sever arthrides from the waist down and is onl expected to get worse can any one help me figure out where to start pleas!!!!!

    Reply

  8. September 26, 2012 at 4:31 am | Posted by Odessa Goodman

    My husband is diagnosed with dimentia and it appears to be getting worse. I run a business and have an active life; however, I cannot get his sister to assist me when I need to go out of town for a few days...she says she cannot do it. I don't know who else I can turn to for help and I've had to cancel several dates because of lack of support. I would like to keep him at home as long as possible because he can still take care of his personal hygiene, but he is not allowed to cook, which is another problem.

    Reply

  9. August 16, 2012 at 11:27 am | Posted by Laura

    My husband is disabled, but not a senior, he's only 48! We were married only six months before the hemifacial spasms began, and 3 months later he began to have seizures. This is not what either of thought our marriage would be like! My husband waited his whole life to find someone to fall in love with, to care for, to spend his the rest of his life with, and now, he can't work and spends his days in his lounge chair, trying to remember what happened before the last seizure. I work full time and he has a home health aide, but as soon as I get home, I'm working again. I haven't found any support resources for a couple like us, in our fourties. Can you help?

    Reply

    • May 6, 2013 at 11:12 pm | Posted by angieMay

      angie I totally hear you, my husband had a brain anurizeum or however you spell it ! and he was 48 , we were married in 1989 and my life fell through when that happened, I stayed with him through it all, slept in a chair beside him every day, he ended up not only with that but he had a stroke while in his coma !! Today he is another person, he seems lost, he doesn't do the things he should do and blames everyone for it including me! It hurts, doctors tell him what he needs to do for a more productive life but he refuses to do those things, he feels I am his wife and I should always do what he wants, when I refuse he goes ballistic, I am stressed to the max, my daughter is in the air force and just informed me she may be deployed again, to a dangerous area, I am holding onto life but loosing it slowly, I just broke my tail bone, yes and I still have to take care of my husband first because I don't have insurance like he does, SUCKS to be me.. Just venting and hoping someone else hears me!!

      Reply

      • September 13, 2013 at 7:50 am | Posted by sandra

        Wow guys. I'm sorry to hear all the stress you guys are going through but just know you are not alone. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years and I just found out that he has aids and he is now going through all his symptoms. Dementia hep b and load of other things. God had mercy on me and I didn't catch the disease but I will have to always do these tests just to make sure. Through all of this I still have to take care of him because of the promise that I made to God. He might be coming home soon and I am looking for information on how to become his caregiver.

        Reply

  10. November 13, 2010 at 9:26 pm | Posted by Dolly Schuyten

    My elderly husband has Alzheimer disease but he is still gentle and good nature. Although we have help during the day, I am the only one to take care of him at night. We are now living in a non-English speaking country where I have competent help but it's difficult for me to get help for night duty due to the language barriers. My husband wakes up at night asking for milk/water constantly or wants to talk to me (repeating himself endlessly). I have not had a good night's sleep for a couple of years now. Any suggestions?

    Reply

  11. September 16, 2010 at 3:01 pm | Posted by maria

    That's well and good to list and list ways the spousal caregiver is stressed out. But what to do? After the exercise and attempts to continue one's own meetings/interests, how about suggestions on tearing oneself away from the misery, surviving his rages, coping with the loneliness. I've read lots of books of others' experiences, which did help some. The Caregiver's Tale is my experience and I must say writing it all out was a big step up. But it's still an enormous struggle with few solutions.

    Reply

  12. September 3, 2010 at 5:49 pm | Posted by CHARLIE LOVELL

    this is my first introduction to the tips and the articles you've provided. They are absolutely great. I welcome them into our home.

    Reply

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