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5 Ways to Keep Guilt from Stressing You Out

Kathy-Upset

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May 16, 2013

How often do you stress over something you should have done but didn’t, or the reverse—something you wish you hadn’t said or done? Guilt is that nagging part of your conscience that says you have fallen short of a certain standard you want to live up to.

A feeling of guilt can do one of two things for you. If you let it, guilt can make you feel bad about yourself and breed anxiety, stress or even depression. Or, you can choose to view guilt as a helpful motivator to improve. Below are five common sources of guilt for many caregivers, along with tips for where to focus your thoughts and energy to help eliminate feelings of guilt and take positive actions that can lead to reduced stress.

  1. I feel guilty for not spending more time with my aging loved one.
    When Mom begs you to stay longer or to come visit more often, it can feel like a real guilt trip, especially when busy schedules and distance make visiting difficult, and when you know your visits are the highlight of her otherwise lonely existence. Yet trying to satisfy all the demands of work, family and everything else will only stress you out and keep you from making the most of the time you do have.

    What to focus on instead:
    Try to make the time you do spend together as meaningful as possible. Check out these tips for how to get mealtime conversations going or for sharing memories with your loved one. For the times you can’t be there, consider how companionship services could help. You won’t feel as guilty "abandoning" Mom if she has someone coming on a regular basis whose company she enjoys and who can provide conversation, facilitate activities, help around the house and provide transportation wherever she needs to go.

  2. I feel guilty when I lose my patience.
    It’s pretty much a given that an aging parent will try your patience at one point or another. Family caregivers of an aging loved one with dementia who exhibits repetitive behaviors may find this is especially true. But there are more productive ways to handle impatience than to feel guilty about it.

    What to focus on instead:
    Patience typically wears thin when you’re worn out and exhausted. If you feel like you’re reaching the end of your rope, use that as a warning sign that you need to take a break. It’s important to care for yourself and make sure you’re getting enough rest so you can be at your best for your loved one. Put your energy into finding time for a break rather than dwelling on feelings of guilt. (See number 3.)

  3. I feel guilty when I take time to myself.
    Putting another person’s needs before your own is a sign of love. You may feel it’s your duty to devote all of your time and energy to care for your parents the way they cared for you as a child. This is your chance to give back and you don’t want to feel selfish or let your loved one down by putting your needs before theirs. But you can’t ignore your own needs forever and it’s self-defeating to feel bad about indulging a little in yourself.

    What to focus on instead:
    The only way to sustain the love and care you feel your loved one deserves is to take good care of yourself as well. Remind yourself that you can be a better caregiver to your loved one when you get enough rest, eat healthy meals, and have a chance to attend to your own needs. Take a look at these "Caring for Yourself While Caring for Others" resources for tips on how to balance your loved one’s needs with your own.

  4. I feel guilty for putting my loved one in a nursing home.
    Maybe you think it’s not what Dad would have wanted, or you wonder if there is more you could’ve done to keep him at home. But there’s no use dwelling on the past, which you cannot change.

    What to focus on instead:
    If there’s a chance Dad may recover from his current illness that renders nursing help necessary, start planning ahead to make the transition home possible.

    If it’s not feasible to move your loved one out of the nursing home, do what you can to make his time there as comfortable as possible. Visit as often as you can and make your visits meaningful (see number 3). Bring photos and decorations to personalize the room and help make it feel more like home. Talk with the nursing staff to get regular updates and make suggestions if you think something can be done differently to make your loved one more comfortable.

  5. I feel guilty for getting angry or frustrated.
    If you’re like most people, you may view emotions like anger or frustration as a sign of weakness. People tend to hide emotions they feel are negative. But they’re just as natural as emotions like joy and love, and you have a right to feel how you feel. It can be both stressful and dangerous to your health to keep negative emotions buried inside.

    What to focus on instead:
    While it’s true that too much negativity can be toxic to those around you, it’s important that you have a safe outlet for those emotions. Vent to a friend, diffuse your anger through exercise, grab a pillow to punch or find a secluded place to have a good cry. You may also find some helpful tips in these emotions of caregiving resources to better manage the emotional ups and downs of caring for an aging loved one.

If you identified with any of these sources of caregiver guilt, you may relate to Cat Kohler’s stressful guilt-driven experience she shared in a Caregiver Stress Blog post, "A Snapshot of Inconvenience." You may also relate to this caregiver who wrote to Dr. Amy for advice dealing with guilt after her mother passed away.

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Thoughts and stories from others
  1. November 14, 2016 at 12:21 am | Posted by Bobbie

    I am 55 and my big sister Lisa is 59 . 3 months ago I had too place my sister after 6 years living with her . She was diagnose with early onset Alzheimer's . It had been so hard this past summer she went manic . I am not able too deal with my guilt everyday I go to this memory unit and watch her just pace and scream for me to take her home. I ask God too help me , but then I just feel like dying . Her screaming for me too take her home .

    Reply

  2. October 14, 2016 at 10:57 am | Posted by Barbara Goins

    I've never had the greatest relationship with my Dad. He was a tense, type A personality, who tended to blow up at the least thing. He was overly critical and although I knew he loved me I never felt as though he was very happy with me. I spent most of my youth feeling like I was walking on egg shells around him. To be fair I was the kind of kid with a very independent streak and that didn't sit well with my Dad. Four years ago my husband transferred back to our home state so we could move in with my father to help him with the up keep on his house. (My mother passed away 10 years ago) At the time he was 88, very spry and still driving. He just couldn't do heavy cleaning or yard work. He offered to put an addition and a bathroom onto the attic bedroom for us. So home we came. Two months after we moved home he decided not to add on to the attic.... which became a problem as I have kidney stones and use the toilet often. I now run from the attic to the basement to pee in a bucket if the only bathroom is being used. We contribute to the household by buying the groceries, paying for the cable and internet bill, cleaning, cooking and yard upkeep. Now that his physical health as well as mental status has deteriorated, which we expected we drive him to the mall for his daily walks and take him to all his doctor appointments. We can't leave him alone anymore, he's prone to falling, and now that my husband has retired we don't go anywhere together. My husband goes out to our camper on weekends in the summer (I want him to have some enjoyment in his retirement) That's our life in a nut shell. Dad is not easy to deal with and my guilt is growing my the day. He's easily confused and because of his personality he can be argumentative... he never has anything positive to say about anything I do. He will pose his criticism as jokes, but it's obvious that he's not kidding. The house is falling apart and he won't let us do anything to repair it.... he has the money to do it... he is well off. We said we would pay for the repairs etc... and he said no... it was his house not ours. In fact we bought a new toilet seat last week and I gave him the receipt for the purchase..... he said he'd pay 1/3 of the cost as the 3 of us used it! I love my Dad, while we've never been emotionally close, and he wasn't a "fun dad", he is my father, now he is old and I feel guilty for resenting him....

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  3. October 8, 2016 at 6:25 pm | Posted by Alana Kaye

    My mother has severe dementia and is in a home a good distance away. I have a very demanding job, also a good distance from home but in the other direction, and only get to see her once a weekend. Others in my family are making me feel terrible about not seeing her more often, but I honestly don't know how I can manage if I do -- I never have enough time to sleep as much as I should during the week, and I take work home with me every weekend. I really am doing the best I can, but I guess I question it or I wouldn't feel so guilty.

    Reply

    • December 3, 2016 at 9:22 pm | Posted by Kimmi

      I took my 77 YO mom to a nursing facility today. I had been staying with her in her home since my father passed a month ago. Mom is in moderate stages of Alzheimer's . It is a wonderful small 19 resident memory unit. She did not want to stay to say the least. I thought I'd be able to relax for the first time in 10 months(since dad's decline and I made frequent visits to help), but it's so difficult. I know she needs 24 hour care and I cannot do that and work and be with my family. Snd although I'm not second guessing our decision, it almost feels like I sent to to a place where she might loose her spirit and stay angry and resentful. I hope it gets better.

      Reply

  4. August 28, 2016 at 11:32 am | Posted by brian delaney

    im am the caregiver for my 85 yr.old mom who suffered a stroke four yrs.ago. she has been living with me for about 25 yrs. so my story is alittle different. i am finding it exhausting to have to be the only one to look out for her. i have 6 siblings, one being a sister who lives right next door to me, and i only see her on weekends for an hour or so visit or the occasional trips to the grocery store. i have one of my other brothers who is 57 yrs old living with me as well, and i get no help from him either. how can i make my siblings realize that at 65, i am getting really tired of the emotional stress and burdens put upon me by this.drs. said that my mother need 24 hr. care which all agreed she would have at home. i didn't know at the time that i would be the only one providing care for her. i have to take her to drs. appt. hair dressing appt.s etc.. anyone have any suggestions for me

    Reply

  5. August 22, 2016 at 8:29 am | Posted by Roslyn Turner

    I just recently admitted my husband, a retired vet, to a nursing home. I had been taking care of him for 9 years. I see him every other day even though it's not close to home. He has dementia and diabetes. His combative behavior makes it difficult for them to care for him. That's why I worry about him. They gave him meds to calm him but has not seemed to work as yet. I don't like the way the medicine makes him. He's sleeping to much, not eating enough and he's fallen 3 times since the new antidepressant was given to him. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that he is as difficult as they say. When he was home he had begun that behavior but I felt it wasn't that bad even tho he hit me three times. Its not him anymore. I often wonder if I did the right thing. I keep second guessing myself and trying to think of another way. I don't sleep at night worrying about him. All day I think about him. I'm trying to do things to take my mind off him but its hard. I have no one to talk this over with. I only have one son in the area and he does not want to deal with it or listen to me.

    Reply

    • November 14, 2016 at 12:26 am | Posted by Bobbie

      I know I have the same problem .. I had too place my 59 year old sister Lisa. She became very manic this summer. She has been in a memory unit for 2 1/2 months. She is not acting calm I also go every other day. She screams and fights when she see me, crys for me too bring her home.

      Reply

  6. July 24, 2016 at 8:23 am | Posted by Lorraine

    I am 61 and my dad is now in a nursing care center near me. I am the only one going to visit him these past almost 3 years but now it is getting to me physically. I feel impending doom, I don't know how to relax, I am getting sways of dizziness as well as twitching in my head and feeling it in my eyes. I am on a lot of medication for my Panic Attacks but what I feel now is not panic it is guilt when I don't feel like going to see daddy. I love him with all my heart and he is right near me but I can't take seeing the others anymore in the home and those that have died who were with my dad as a roommate. I feel impending doom, I have seen too much death, my life is not happy, I cry alot over guilt. Daddy now has alzheimers and my dear mom died in 2011 from Breast cancer at 77. I miss her horribly and now having dad in this state is taking my all. No one cares, no one helps What can I do to relieve myself of feeling so overwhelmed and guilty and ill.

    Reply

    • August 7, 2016 at 6:53 am | Posted by Troy

      At least you care about you. /That is why you came to this site to see how to proceed. Like most of us, right? The last thing your mom or your dad would have wanted you to do is to think of this "impending doom".

      Reply

    • August 25, 2016 at 11:09 pm | Posted by Pat

      I am 62, work full time and had to put my dad in a nursing home today. He is 91 years old and had prostate cancer 40 years ago that has now started to become active and has spread to his spine causing severe pain. I don't live with him, my 68 year old disabled sister lives with him and has been taking care of him for at least 15 years and just can't do it anymore. I have one other sister who lives nearby but we are all in our 60's and not in the best of health so it's impossible to take care of him. When he was home with my sister he wanted something every 5 minutes and driving her crazy. We don't know how much longer he will live and was just hospitalized for 3 days but today they said he had to leave because they couldn't do anything else for him. They started radiation 2 days ago but because he was leaving the hospital medicare and blue cross wouldn't pay for it and it was up to the family to get him there. This is a man that they had to transport to the stretcher by picking him up using the sheets because he couldn't sit up or stand A nursing home wouldn't accept him if he needed radiation so we had no choice but to stop the radiation and he didn't want it anyway. It might have shrunk the mass for a little while helping with the pain but it is not a cure. Dad was fighting us tooth and nail not to go to the nursing home and trying to make us feel guilty. He is and has always been a selfish man. Anybody have any suggestions on how to make him understand that we just can't do it anymore.

      Reply

    • September 26, 2016 at 10:06 pm | Posted by Dalila

      I can totally relate. I'm in the same situation. My dad passed away 9 years ago and I have been my mom's advocate, best friend, companion; the list goes on and on. I've been everything except her daughter. Shortly after my dad died, she was diagnosed with dementia. For all these years, I've been doing really well with caring for her, being able to deal and understand the illness but just recently, I've become mentally exhausted. Two years ago she went to a nursing facility with a dementia unit and all I do is worry about how well she is cared for, if she is being respected, is she feeling lonely? It does not stop. I truly need to find a way to turn this situation around or I will become very sick and than she will have no one . Wish I had an answer to help you but perhaps we can research and help one another as I always say, unless you are in my shoes, you cannot fully understand. I have been on other sites about care giving and I find this one to be the most helpful and really address what I'm going through

      Reply

    • September 26, 2016 at 10:27 pm | Posted by Dalila

      It is so difficult!!! I wish there was a way to change our mind set and not feel so guilty. Searching for answers, when I find them, I will be sure to share. At least reading the posts and being able to relate makes me feel like someone gets it.

      Reply

    • October 10, 2016 at 12:19 pm | Posted by Ashkhen Aristakessian

      I'm searching for the answers as you are. I'm 58, and I've taking care of my husband for 12 years. Guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, etc. are just a few of overwhelming emotions that we endure as caregivers. Only those who have walked your journey will understand and validate your emotion. My heath aches for you, and I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away. Sending you love and hugs.

      Reply

    • October 10, 2016 at 12:21 pm | Posted by Ashkhen Aristakessian

      I'm searching for the answers as you are. I'm 58, and I've been taking care of my husband for 12 years. Guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, etc. are just a few of overwhelming emotions that we endure as caregivers. Only those who have walked your journey will understand and validate your emotion. My heart aches for you, and I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away. Sending you love and hugs.

      Reply

      • November 17, 2016 at 6:23 pm | Posted by dalila

        Sorry it took me so long to reply but I've had a lot going on. I do appreciate your comment. I too am the kind of person who wants everyone to be happy and be well and perhaps that is why we suffer so much to the point that is makes us physically sick. Sending you love and hugs as well.

        Reply

  7. March 22, 2016 at 12:59 pm | Posted by Donna Harmony-Jones

    Thank you. A post full of content of tremendous value. Sharing with friends and family members and on my business page.

    Reply

  8. February 18, 2016 at 8:02 pm | Posted by david williams

    I tended to my wife who had terminal cancer.she was the love of my life.i watched her deteriorate before my eyes.i always told her I loved her.she had a mastectomy. She didn't feel like a woman but I told her she was more of a woman than many other women. I prepared myself for the end.i grieved along the way but it still hurt when she stopped breathing.my heart sank as i kissed her good bye. I cried and went home to tell my son that mommy was with Jesus now.

    Reply

  9. June 30, 2013 at 12:17 am | Posted by Ellen Uzarek

    When My Mom passed away I didn,t get home in time and felt guilty for so long,thinking if I had only got there sooner maybe she would have lived,It took me yrs to realize that it was not my fault,it was just meant to be....but coming to terms with that is tough.

    Reply

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