December 22, 2010
"Mom always liked you best." It was a popular line from the 1960s comedy duo the "Smothers Brothers".
The truth is, birth order and parental preferences do impact caregiving situations in families with multiple siblings. Research conducted by Cornell University gerontologist Karl Pillemer (link opens in a new window) found that mothers ages 65 to 75 in the Boston area were perfectly willing to name favorites among their children.
Pillemer noted that parental favoritism is part of the family landscape, with mothers often expressing preferences and identifying one to whom they feel the most emotionally close and one with whom they have the most conflict.
So who did most mothers pick to care for them when they needed help? It often was the one the mother felt emotionally closest to and who she thinks is most similar, who shares her attitudes and values. And she is the one who has provided support and help for her mother in the past.
And that person, according to research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care® network, was often the youngest. In fact, 64 percent of youngest siblings are primary caregivers compared with 57 percent of oldest siblings and 49 percent of middle siblings. Furthermore, 43 percent of youngest children say they have the closest relationship with their parents, while 70 percent of oldest children describe themselves as the responsible ones and 40 percent of middle children as the peacemakers of the family.
Sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., of the University of Western Ontario, who worked with the Home Instead Senior Care network on the organization's 50-50 Rule® public education program for sibling caregivers, explained that the youngest caregiver preference may tie into geography.
"The family caregiver may be the one who lives the closest to the parent. And, in many cases, that may be the youngest. Because the youngest children know more of their parents' recent history, they may be the logical caregivers for that reason as well."
Please download the guide: 50/50 Rule SM Brochure (PDF 950K).
These articles and resources can help you share the care with your adult siblings.
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June 4, 2012 at 6:23 am | Posted by Vickie
In my situation both parents are still living & there are 4 siblings. I have an older brother, older sister & a younger sister (I am the middle girl). My parents have been married for 65 years, live in their own home & their health conditions have rapidly deteriorated. Recently they were both in the hospital at the same time & now require constant care. I live the furtherest away (4 hours), but the caregiver role has fallen on me. I am married, kids are grown & I own my own business. My siblings expect me to care for my parents, their medical, financial & emotional situations. My personal life is on hold & I don't see anything changing in the near future.
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April 10, 2011 at 11:33 am | Posted by Helen
I also found this article to be interesting. I am the oldest in a family of four: There are two daughters and then two sons. The youngest was born 10 years after me and is by far my mother's favorite. My mother, however, is an alcoholic and used her two daughters to care for her two sons like surrogate mothers. After my father passed away three years ago, she transferred the property she owned next door to her (worth 1.25 million) to her youngest son. He has power of attorney and health care proxy and will not consider my wishes when it comes to her care. Yet, he is resentful because he feels he is next door and most of the day-to-day decisions fall on him. From my perspective, he wants it both ways. As well, I believe he is more concerned with preserving his future assets than ensuring that she is getting the best care possible. So, yes, our family is clearly an example of one where decision-making isn't shared and the family unit has completely broken down. It's very sad--very tragic.
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February 19, 2011 at 1:06 am | Posted by kathryn
This article is very interesting. I am the youngest in a family of four. After my father died, my mother moved to her home state and my sister, who is the oldest, and I were the only ones left in our home state. As my mother aged, I packed up my children and moved just 1 mile from her. I felt it was necessary since she had a fall, hit her head while living alone, and experienced a concussion. That was 13 years ago and my mother is doing well, but she will need a lot more help in the very near future. I would love to take care of my mother fulltime, but I am single and have to work fulltime. I am the only sibbling living in the same state as my mother
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