Comments on: The Dynamics of Sibling Caregiving (with video)

By: Kathy

Kathy — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 21:11:04 +0000

Hello! Just find this site. My mom (78 yrs) has been living w/my husband & me for the past 3.5 yrs. She's had numerous health problems, but so far, she's able to take care of her own meds, bathing, fixing meals, financial issues. Helps w/housework when able & feeling ok. She still drives when able. Had a partial knee replacement few wks ago. Our children who are 45min away are also very supportive but everyone works full time. I do have siblings, however, they are all out state, and we're not in touch w/them. They are all in dire straights and have forgotten about their mother. It's sad. She's has anxiety, depression, diabetes, pacemaker, short term memory loss, but otherwise, in ok health. She cannot walk very far. There are days when I just want to "scream." I find myself resentful of my siblings, however, it's probably better this way, as they'd probably cause more problems, instead of helping. I know that I am so fortunate to have a very supportive husband, kids, church friends, and neighbors. Thanks for listening. I am trying to find a support group that meets @ least monthly, if anyone knows of any. Thanks.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 03:03:07 +0000

I am currently caring for my father age 92 who has heart and lung problems and suffers with frontal lobe dysfunction which causes some confusion and dementia related issues. For 65 years my father cared for my mother who is 8 years younger and had a very serious mental illness which she refused treatment for until hospitalized against her will. They are both now living in separate nursing homes and miss each other but understand on some level that they cannot be together.

I am responsible for their finances and had to move to another city to care for them. The daily stress and frustration can become overwhelming but my Dad always remains cheerful in spite of his many challenges and I need to cherish this time with my parents.

Guilt is a constant companion, but I have learned I am stronger than I thought and humour gets me through most days. I rely on my husband more than ever and am grateful I chose well. Having some kind of balance is so important, I find I put myself last most times.

Hang in there and remember to enjoy the moments however brief that you can share with your parents. My sister is unable to help and I have no resentment about that. I love them all and that\'s what\'s important.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 17:50:57 +0000

It\'s good to read the stories of others and their journey ... I am the only daughter with 3 brothers in Florida ( in N.C. ) and became primary caregiver for my parents 9 yrs. ago -- Dad with Alzheimer\'s and Mom with Parkinson\'s - caregiving is very hard, especially when the responsibility is mainly yours and siblings are away or will not help; Dad passed away in memory care 4 yrs. ago and I now have a CNA helping with my Mom which has been a great relief for me and blessing; I think the emotional part is at least 50% of the difficulty/burden---no matter what I do I still can feel guilty and it becomes a vicious cycle...I take care of myself with friends, other interests...balance -- but I will truly say, it\'s been very hard by myself these past 9 yrs.

By: Linda

Linda — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 21:48:41 +0000

Amazing, to read so many of these stories. This is not what any of us ever thought would happen to us BUT.. My father died unexpectedly 2 yrs ago yesterday. It was a very hard day w/mom, 86. They were married for 65 yr and she had never been alone. When dad passed on, the care came to my youngest brother and the oldest, me. the 2 in between live out of state. One is financially well off but very 'limited' in time he can come visit - very busy and 'too' costly to fly in 'so much'. My sister is not as able to afford travel so she does what she can. This situation has caused a riff between my younger brother and the other two. My younger brother stays w/mom 5 nites/wk and she stays w/us Tues/Thur nites and every day w/me except Saturday. It has been very hard on me for many reasons, one being I've only been married 6 yrs. Mom is very needy and clingy. For a while it was constantly, 'i wish i was dead, why didn't God take me, I wish, wish wish. . . ." i wanted to scream often but held my tongue although not my attitude which was not pretty and she can always sense it - mothers! Caregiving a parent is so hard. We tend to reverse rolls and yet I've discovered the hard way, that mom is still mom and i needed (still) to respect her for that and treat her as such - it's hard. I had to learn to talk with her not over her, to ask her and not make decisions for her. I had to learn how to take care of her finances, her health records, take her every where since can't drive because she has macular yet not treat her as invalid. Since I have to read every thing, I have to shout because she is getting hard of hearing. to which after saying, What? several times, I'll yell and then it's 'you don't have to yell at me. I know i'm a burden. . . . Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. My youngest son has stared helping out, taking her w/his girlfriend on outings on Saturdays, what a blessed relief for me. I have 3 grandchildren i love to fly to visit. When I went, it was my break but now mom wants to go w/me says, 'my time is short, I won't be here long and i want to go too'. (guilt trip?) I confess, i don't want to take her, then starts the guilt and stress which takes a lot to fight off meself. Ah, life. But I tell you all, if it were not for the Grace of God, His strength, His help, and friends I can turn to for prayer and support, i'd be a basket case filled w/the anger, rage, selfishness, self pity I started with 2 yrs ago. It has not been easy or is it, but I am learning so much and hope and pray that if and when my time comes, my 3 children will have learned from me, how to care for 'mom' together. By the way, one of the things someone shared w/me was, 'remember, when your mother dies, you will know that you did everything you could, not perfectly, not always w/a smile but you were there. Your brother will have to face himself with what he did nor didn't.'

By: ATA

ATA — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 06:20:37 +0000

In a previous comment I wrote that I receive a monthly allowance of $250/month...it should have read $250/week. Unsolicited the sibling with the POA began giving me this allowance for the duties I perform for mom and dad as their 24/7 live-in caregiver.

By: shibani kumar

shibani kumar — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 18:57:54 +0000

I went all the way to see my hospis declared ex:husband to India with my son, there I was told to assist the nurse, as I had done caregiving for long. He had had a major stroke, his right side was paralised, lost memory and speach, I took is as a challeng,gave him lectures, taught with actions, gave timely meds and diet got the nurse to clean him well, thank God,! today he can walk with a walker, shave himself, is off diapers, writes with left hand,he needs help to shower, all doctors were shocked....now he lives with my daughter,who never came to see him when sick,

By: Joan Bullock

Joan Bullock — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 20:37:03 +0000

Hi, I have read the many stories of so many of you. I know I am not alone in this situation of being the primary caregiver to my parents. My Father recently passed away after fighting the difficulties of diabetes. As the years went on he had good moments, but also the ones that were so hard for me and my family to see him go through, but we never gave up on hope that he would get better. He was a true fighter and a soldier so he did not give up without a fight. My Dad is a true Hero and a man of so many qualities that it brings tears to my eyes knowing that he is now gone and the sadness we have and especially my Mom makes these days difficult for us all.I will continue to be strong for my family and most of all for my Mom and not let her see the sadness I feel, I guess I am writing to see if anyone has thoughts to share on how they have gotten through a time like this and keeping things together for the other parent. I worry that my Mom will get depressed and the sadness with affect her health. My two siblings live in florida and do what they can and visit when they can, but the responsibility of the house, etc.. lie on myself, my husband and two college age children. I know we will get things figured out and find a way to continue each day and go on as my Father would want us to. When I get to thinking about him I just close my eyes and see him up in heaven looking down on us all with open arms and feel him giving us a big hug saying \" I am fine and everything will be okay\"
Thanks to anyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Have a nice day:)

By: ATA

ATA — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 05:22:48 +0000

Mom is 95 and dad is 92. Both display signs of Alzheimer's but are still alert. Two years ago, after one of many falls, the hospital would not release mom to her home because only my dad was there, and he was capable of being a caregiver. She became a fall risk and temporarily placed in assisted living. Shortly after my job ended. Because my father's dementia was progressing it became obvious what I should do - I left my apartment and moved into their home to take care of them. I envy those stories where the siblings share the caretaking duties, and give the main main caregiver breaks. My siblings will visit, they will take mom out for dinner, but they do not give me a break. The power of attorney rests with the older siblings (I am the youngest and the only daughter) and they refuse to authorize me to hire anyone to relieve me if the cost is over $10/hr. Mom had a caregiver for a few months until Mom wouldn't cooperate with her any longer. She was not from an agency and just couldn't handle my mom's dementia. I receive an allowance of $250/month and now have decided to give myself a respite by hiring a qualified caregiver from an agency. That is the only way currently I can get time for myself, to go to church or just go for a drive. I don't know what the relationship with me and my siblings will be like after my parents are gone. In m family I do not have "power." Yet, I know I am doing what I should be doing with my life right now. This is a journey and I hit the wall many times, but I go on, one day at a time. I have moments with mom or dad that are priceless. They forgive me so quickly when I lose my temper. I've had to forgive my mom when she's cursed me and remember what my counselor told me "she didn't ask to get this way." No, she didn't. She never had a break - she was always "on duty." And dad was a hard worker and good provider. I love them and most times I am able to cope and serve them with love and patience. One day when I was so "burned out" and had endured a verbal attack from a sibling, I went to my dad's room, where he lies unable to move, and just put my head on his chest and cried. He patted my head with his good hand and just said, "mija, God has blessed us so much." Yes, He has.

By: Patience Charlie

Patience Charlie — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 23:04:35 +0000

Hello everyone,

My name is Patience, i was the only one taking huge responsibility of our mother, we are three siblings, my big brother and my my younger sister that lives in Europe, before i left my home Nigeria to Canada our mother who was almost 80 then, she had diabetes, high blood presure, joint pain, and seeing her suffer and remebering how she took care of us as if she has no life of her own was something i could not bear, i called my siblings to think of how we are going to take care of her, my elder brother said he has this and that to do but he will help the little he can, my younger sister got mad at our brother, then i told my brother if he can\'t remember our childhood i do, i took up her responsibility, i was into a huge business which require me travelling most of the time, i got her three care giver including myself and my sister, to cook, wash her cloth, clean her house (my father\'s house) to chat her up and to read her favorite book the Bible,my sister will send money and gift for her, when i travell i buy her things, i leave my business to visit her her for two weeks, as my duty every month, i will wash her cloth, bathe her,cook, and in the evening we will sit outsite under the african moonlight and talk, laugh,i will cherish always the memories of mother and daughter under the moonlight, then my children became forcy to stay permently in abroad instead of going on vacation, we left for canada and open an account for her in Nigeria through my brother, i call her twice a week, then one day she ask for a favor i got so sick in my stomach my brother was using the money to build his government aproved school and she was not getting enough, she went to be with the Lord May 2006 my sister and i cried and mourn for her for three yrs.there are 3 things i have noticed in life,(1.) don\'t pet and pamper the only son or daughter more than other siblings, my dad was longing for a male child so my brother was spoilt and took things for granted.(2.) when is in your reach to give or help your mom or stranger in the street do it with your whole heart, when is our turn to be taken care of if nobody is there for you, your past goodness will locate you, the person you don\'t know will take care of you.(3) when there is a dispute between siblings on how to take care of parents, somebody should get up and take the responsibility, i believe there is a reward in every goodness, we should always remember the good side of them, and not the bad. what is the bad side of them, yelling at us, missing out one thing or the other in our life and we should remember they have their past too they are strugliong with, if is in their reach or power to do everything we want, we know they will give us the whole world to make us happy. let us love without reservation. thanks

By: Deborah

Deborah — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 11:05:00 +0000

I cannot stress enough how important it is for sibilings to stay together in one mind, spirit, and trust during these times of caregiving. Although not all siblings can have equal caregiving responsibilities, due to location restrictions, the ones that are away should be able to know their ideas are respectfully considered in the ultimate best care of their loved one.