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What can you do when a sibling won't let you visit mom?

 

 Question: My mother is 81 years old and I have not been able to see her since July 27, 2012. Her birthday was November 12, 2012 and I did not get to see her. Mom has dementia and my sister is influencing her and not allowing her to see all of her children. I keep feeling like I am hitting a brick wall. All I would like to do is see my mother.

Dr. Amy: Life is short and we only have so much time and energy. It amazes me that people spend theirs making others unhappy. And yet so much of this goes on, especially with siblings and older parents.

What happened on July 27? Why does your sister not let you see your mother? Does she also deny other siblings the opportunity to visit? Is there a way to talk together as a family and come to an arrangement that meets everyone’s wishes—and centers on what’s best for your mom? Perhaps a mediator or facilitator could help you all come to an agreement.

It is possible you can prick your sister’s conscience enough that she will change her behavior. For example, could you appeal to her from the standpoint that if your mom dies and she has prevented you from seeing her, there will be no way to rectify this in the future? Also consider whether there is someone else your sister is more likely to respond, perhaps someone in the community. If nothing seems likely to work, I suggest you consult with an eldercare lawyer about your options.

Your mother deserves to see her family and you deserve to see your mother. I truly wish you—and your whole family—a peaceful solution to this situation.

 

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Thoughts and stories from others
  1. November 28, 2016 at 9:19 am | Posted by Darling NICKKI

    my mother is dying and does not wish to be in hospital bed. However, with pnumonia, COPD and congestive heart failure i dont see a light at end of rainbow. The problem is my sister whom my mother hasnt spoken to in almost 4 years comes into picture and takes my mother out of hospital.. they moved her from one floor to another as soon as the DNR3 was signed.. my sister told me mom signed it but her Co2 levels was out the roof and was basically in a coma when we spoke.... My sister stated she had a POA and she has taken my mother out of the hospital! none of the siblings know where she is and she is not going to live much longer. How could the hospital allow this and How can my sister have us removed from Hospital and no be allowed to see mom? there are 7 siblings... only one has POA which nurse stated my mothers wishes was not to see anyone... I can assure u that the ONE person would not be her daughter she hasnt spoken to in 4 years! what can be done and how fast???? time sensitive matter

    Reply

  2. August 22, 2016 at 9:57 am | Posted by tessa

    i'm also in the same position - my brother and his wife lives in my mothers house and left it in disrepair (mice infestation, molding roof with damp) in order to save for their house and live rent free. they now bought their house and are trying to force her there against her will and have put charges of harassment against me for telling them off about the criminal neglect! 2 other siblings now back them up but they have a history of domestic violence and abuse too! so basically all the abusers in the family have teamed up together against me and wont let me see my mum. my mum also wont let me visit because they are scared of them. i however live abroad and they are the official carers and now they wont let me see my mum to help her keep her house. they want the money and free childminding against my mum's will. she had a nervous breakdown about it all last year and now they seek poa.

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  3. March 2, 2016 at 5:30 pm | Posted by Ann millard

    I'm having same problem my mother loves me to pieces but my brother gets jealous and asked my mother to choose between me or him as e cares for her and he lives with her.he has taken over everything but he hasn't got poa over her and he's even blocked my calls to her I think he is lower than a snakes belly,he said he would call police if I went to see her.

    Reply

  4. August 18, 2015 at 8:10 am | Posted by Betty

    l have Poa my mom lives with my brother and his wife. she and him will not allow me to visit nor call my mother. she's 91 years old. and decline. my mother gets upset with my brother and his wife because they refuse to let me call or visit. what can i do?

    Reply

    • August 18, 2015 at 2:06 pm | Posted by Cat Koehler

      I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, Betty. You may want to consider consulting an attorney about your legal rights. You may also invite your brother and his wife to dinner to discuss any issues that need to be resolved. Good luck!

      Reply

  5. April 23, 2015 at 5:43 pm | Posted by Dawn

    Can I take my brother to court to see my mother. He controls her every move. How & What to do.. he has nothing to do with her & is now taking over her bank account etc..

    Reply

    • March 21, 2016 at 9:01 pm | Posted by kay pudsey

      Hi I'm in the same situation considering consulting a lawyer to find out my rights

      Reply

  6. April 16, 2014 at 4:48 pm | Posted by Steve sbertoli

    My father died and October 3rd 2013. He was 18 years old. My 80 year old mother who is alive and well today has a bit of dementia but not much is living with my sister against her will. My mother would like to live with me I am her youngest of 8 children. My sister is very controlling and wants my mother to live with her so that she can pay her mortgage. As well as other charges. My mom wants to live with me and I would be able to care for her at no charge. I adore my mother she's my best friend I've ever had I have no children just myself I'm single my whole life and I would be the best one to take care of her. My sister is fighting with me every time I Drive 250 miles to see her. Can you prevent me from seeing my mother because she's living in her home. Can someone please please advise me on what to do about this I need help some legal help or some good advice I don't want to stir up a hornets nest but I want to see my mom I love her and I don't want her to be unhappy . Everytime I go to visit my mother at my sisters house she packed her things my mother and she wants to leave. It's enough to break any buddies heart to watch somebody be held against their will she doesn't have any problem taking care of herself she washes cleans dress is everything on her own even does her own hair everyday. Judge Judy please if you see that help me you're the only one that would understand me thank you

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    • October 1, 2014 at 11:10 am | Posted by Penny

      I feel your hurt so much. I am going thru the exact same thing, other than i can not even see my Mother. I couldn't get any help with my Mother, she was living with me. I had to have a procedure done and my brother and wife wouldn't take her for 2 days. My husband had to step in which was not pleasant. They take everything to extreme so they took her full time and won't let me see her. Has told her lies that I stole money from her (he is the one stealing, even money that was in my name) I really don't care about the money. I just want to be able to see my Mom when I want. Haven't seen her sine June 20th of this year 2014 She also has dementia

      Reply

    • April 12, 2015 at 11:53 am | Posted by Charlotte Greeley

      My brother took my mother from therapy and will not let family and friends see her. I want to care for her now that she is walking somewhat I can stay with her and help her. My brother will not go up against my brother and listens to his brainwashing against me. Does she not love me? She is a mean person and somewhat like my brother. I understand she is afraid of being alone or going to a convalescent home, and believe this is a scary thought for her. I want to keep her in her home, but my brother wants to sell that too. Then I have no place to keep her if my brother does this. He has sold moms assets and continue to live off her letting her pay for all his expenses and he takes his money he gets from social security and hides it. My mom I believe has given up. I want to give her life back to her, she was a very independent women.

      Reply

  7. February 1, 2013 at 10:17 am | Posted by Lois

    I'm my 88 year old mother's primary caregiver (for last six years - live together and I retired to ensure that she received quality care to allow her to remain in her home. Here is the issue: unless it is a holiday or see is in the hospital their visits are wide and far between and the excuses are unbelieveable -- not a good time, I have to work, have a date, have to watch my granddaughter and/or interfers with my travel plans. What I find most painful is that my mother is a caring loving person who would do (and has done) anything for her children and, for that fact, anyone. She never complaints about their absence -- but it hurts me because I feel that they are acting like spoiled brats. In the last few months - she has been in and out of hospital and my siblings are pushing to have her put in a nursing home - knowing that it is totally against her wishes. They state that next time she goes to the hospital -- they will ensure that she goes directly to rehab and then to a nursing home. I now have medical power of attorney to ensure that does not happen. So I would never keep my siblings from seeing and/or spending time with my mother because she is on the downside of her life and she deserves to be happy - whether or not we are -- it should be all about your parents and not able us.

    Reply

    • February 26, 2013 at 3:21 pm | Posted by Mary

      I would have to ask this person who is not allowed to see her mother at holidays... What does she do now to help? My mother is diagnosed moderate/severe dementia with other related health issues. Her doctor now says it is quality of life not quantity. I have a total of 7 siblings (2 that live away) There are 6 sisters that live within 20 miles yet 4 refuse to do nothing. I as caregiver have now asked for the minimal...... for each of the 4 sisters to split a weekend every 2 weeks. Because of my work schedule I work 2 out of every 3 weekends. This would allow me to save the money I pay people who do not know my mother and let them have their time with her. This amounts to 1 day a month for each of the 4 sisters. My other sister would do her whole weekend and I would have the other. Sounded to me like everyone would get what they want? But here is the catch.....they only want her when they want her. They want zero responsibility for her care taking and even has the audacity to tell me I don't have to do that much. I have done the whole explain my day thing it hasn't fazed them at all. So my reasoning here for this person who is so upset she cannot see her mother on holidays is......... again.....What are you doing now to help with your mom? Nothing hurts worse than siblings who care so little for you and your mother that they would abandon them!

      Reply

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